The Final State of My Union ('09)

[if, in any way, you think this is political in nature or has anything to do with W's Final Days, please read this. If you are confused as to why this is the final SOMU, please read this. After unnecessarily forcing you to roam this ridiculous blog, enjoy.]

Fellow citizens. I stand before you with a happy and heavyish heart at the same time. Before I speak of the state of my Union, let me first say that I am joyful to be speaking to you and therefore speaking about speaking to you for the last time. Allow me to indulge this wellspring of good feeling [pause] thank you.

I should begin simply, as this is the best way to begin when speaking to a potentially diverse yet nonexistent audience. The State of My Union is sound. It is, if I may, a Wall of Sound. This in spite of the normal setbacks and speedbumps of our agenda during my term.

To that end, let me first address the War On Poop. Friends, I will freely admit that the War On Poop has gone on longer than I wished, there have been losses and regrets along the way. But it is important to remember that this, like all wars, will take as long as it needs and no longer. With all conviction, I will tell you that we are winning the War On Poop. [pause for applause] This is a credit to those fighting the War On Poop, who have been brave, committed and true to the mission despite the inherent dangers and confusion. We said again and again that the success of this mission was on the small shoulders of the maker of poop--that he should take responsibility for creating a environment free of dangerous poop and that his security is in his own hands (so to speak). [brief pause for laughter] I will tell you with all certainty that the maker of poop is doing just that. Random, destructive acts of poop are at their lowest rate since the War began and all indications are that this trend will continue. Again, may I ask you to join me in tribute to our brave poop warriors. They are the example of the best of us. [pause for lengthy applause]

My friends, these are challenging times, which is to say that time is not the thing challenging us but the actual times in which we are living. In all, we can agree on the fact that they are challenging. But in the face if these challenging times (which I have discussed briefly), please join me in Hope. Hope, my friends is the thing that we should all carry with us, like a charger cable and extra change but more hopeful. Hope is the one resource we have en masse, we only have to draw on it. As things change and new administrations take the lead, I must tell you I'm brimming with Hope, my seams stretching as Hope fills me to capacity like the Golden Corral that sits next to a Matlock Convention.

But this Hope may not be in the manner you speak, friends. This is not the Hope of the belief that someday the purchase of a bread maker with built-in iPod dock will seem sensible again. No, my Hope is more simple. These times, we, as citizens have come to glimpse our selfish and shallow nature in the face of lost jobs, death of institutions, moments replete with political and social corruption, these times will end. I believe will come to ignore all these ignoble moments and go back to Britany Spears and Gawker feeds in no time. Because Hope IS ignorance. If you doubt this, do not. No matter who we elect or what we read or do, we will come together over Dancing with the Stars again. We must. We will. Allow me a catchphrase for the age: Yes, we are able. Say it with me [pause] Yes, We Are Able.
Can't you feel it?

I close with fondest wishes to you. God bless you. And God bless my Union.